Monday

I want to believe




One's reflection on whatever surface should make one feel better. that's why I would never hate on fashion bloggers, youtube beauty vloggers etc, people who invest and spend time on their looks. I would too, if I had any energy for that, I would. I often find myself studying my looks when I'm in elevators. Alone, of course. And usually it ends with a thought "I look exactly how I feel". And usually I look like shit. But hey, at least there's harmony between my inner and outer self.
Anyway, where was I going with this. Oh the shirt. The X-files shirt. Makes me smile everytime I see myself in the mirror. 

Sunday

"Things have been crazy" is such a worn-out sentence, but lately I don't know what other phrase should I use to describe the situation. Things have been crazy. I wish I could find a simple solution, I wish I could be better, I wish. I feel so pretentious all the time, for being this way.
I hate the attention.
My heart is bounding, I'm sweating, I'm hyperventilating, I'm crying and I'm feeling dizzy.

Monday

Friday

It's fucking may and it's still raining constantly or it's too windy or too cold to stay outside for longer than 15 minuties, in other words, I just want to skate again. I want to move countries. I want smooth asphalt and at least 10 fucking degrees.

Thursday

this is exactly, how it feels. exactly.

Wednesday

all along


When the days change
So does my attitude
I'm messy at home
I eat a lot of junk food
when the nights change
So do my nightmares too
I dream reality is my dream
All along all along I guess I'm meant to be alone
All along all along I guess I'm meant to be alone
Out there on my own, yeah
When the weeks change the rumors change too
I'm addicted to highs, would you like to know why
When the months change so do my love point of views
I don't want what I need, what I need hates me
what I need hates me
I know all along all along
I know I'm meant to be alone
It's crazy but all along all along
I knew I was meant to be alone
Out there on my own, yeah
Suppose somehow the lion-hearted failed to win
Who will be the villain or the strangers waiting for him
Suppose somehow the lion-hearted failed to smile
who will be the villain or the strangers waiting for him
All along all along I guess I'm meant to be alone
All along all along I guess I'm meant to be alone
Out there on my own, yeah

by Scott Mescudi, my lord and saviour.
/

this is like the anthem of depression. put into words with such grace, such ease. kinda flips the coin, although nothing has changed, the loneliness, not belonging, mess, addiction, loneliness, loneliness, loneliness..seems okay. I'm okay. you're probably okay as well. life ain't meant for all of us, but we're okay.